turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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