i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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