The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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