Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
