It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
