He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
