before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
