and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
