I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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