I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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