I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize