apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
