Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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