At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
