I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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