there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize