you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
