The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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