Yo dont text me then not text me
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
