The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
