it's not cheating when I paid for it
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
