I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
