Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
