If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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