your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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