I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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