I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize