i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
