It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
