cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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