Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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