Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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