If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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