She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
