Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just want nice things and good sex
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
