I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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