Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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