What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
