paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm getting married
To pizza
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
