Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
