Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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