mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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