I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
