apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
