took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
