I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
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