dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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