Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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