I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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