I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Randomize
