He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
