please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
