You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
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