Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
