if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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