im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
