I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
