I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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