community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
