Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
