Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
